on liberating bugs

confront discomfort! stand up for the little guy!

Fabio Sartori, False spider web (2021)

some years ago, i read Nikki Giovanni’s poem and it forced me to reckon with how i’ve treated bugs. it made me reflect on how normality exudes its influence. it is normal and acceptable to make a habit of squishing this being much smaller and more vulnerable just because you’re frightened.

Allowables – Nikki Giovanni

but i wanted needed to be more succinct. more honest.

it wasn’t fright. fright is an intense fear that alerts to the threat of danger, harm, or death. in the rainforest or the outback, where the defence mechanisms of bugs can range from painful to fatal – fright would be a fathomable emotion. here in the UK where the bugs typically aren’t venomous or anything more than a minor inconvenience, i’m acutely aware that i’m not in danger. 

it’s not fright but discomfort.

i had killed out of discomfort and that didn’t sit right with me. i told myself that i’d try not to do it anymore. intellectually, i’d arrived at this moral principle. but in practice? i’d break my own rule too much. sometimes, i’d be naked in my room and a bug would fly in sporadic trajectories around the airspace and i’d be in such a state of exposure that i’d just think, “fuck it” and swat it with the nearest book that i wasn’t enjoying. when it came down to the ease of snuffing out life vs. patiently confronting momentary discomfort – i’ll admit, i’d pick ease often.

i’ve been reflecting on taking care with people. 

i recently sent a message to someone that was quite out of character and upon sending it, i felt pretty terrible. i’m not someone who goes out of their way to be unkind so the entire act felt foreign. i thought about it a lot and i was trying to listen to a feeling inside that said, “stick up for yourself here.” 

my anger was real. but the gauge was cartoonishly wrong and tbh, i got my ass handed to me in the response so… i tried something different! now i know. 

the whole thing has made me think about the different kinds of unkindness. how the activity of unkindness is not the only way to be unkind. how neglect is maybe the most common form of unkindness. 

there have been times in life, in my relationships with others and with myself, where i’d intellectually arrive at this moral position but i’d still snuff the bug. the kernel of disappointment that rose up afterwards became a feeling so indigenous to me, a casualty so tiny that it could just creepy-crawl to the back of my mind. these
micro-neglects put immediate relief ahead of patiently confronting momentary discomforts. 

i decided it was time to minimise the gap between my principles and my actions.

a good way to practise this intentionally in my daily life was with bugs. i already let spiders hang out in the corners of my room rent free. my discomfort arises mostly with winged bugs and their chaotic flight paths. its daddy long legs season right now and i use these small, decorative jars i bought to seclude them and redirect them outside. i’ve graduating to more tactile methods, gently catching a bug in my hand and releasing it out the window carefully.

i’ve been keeping an inventory of my feelings when i decide to manually handle bugs:

1. disgust at them touching me (especially moths, what is that ashy-ass residue?) 

2. embarrassment of them thwarting my attempt to catch them 

3. revulsion at the possibility of them flying into my face, eyes or mouth.

but ultimately, there’s this little burst of pride that comes from setting a bug free. you don’t wanna be trapped in here, bro – go where the air is fresh and the vegetation is abundant. i like the feeling of alignment when you’ve successfully followed through on something you believe in. it's an act purely for myself that is directionally proportionate to the kernel of disappointment i felt with bug-squishing. that feeling doesn’t need a place in me any more. i’d rather opt for the positive inflection. i want far more mini-moments of pride.

the whole exercise has made me consider my relationship to discomfort. how do i react in the face of discomfort and how do i want to react moving forward? and maybe most importantly, what are the principles dear to my heart and what is the best way to marry my actions to them?